levi bethune

America the Beautiful (on the inside)

I was at the gas station pumping gas. You know, the action typically done at gas stations. Well this lady (and I’m using that term generously here) waddled towards me at the pump. I’m just going to state for the record that she was very large, and race doesn’t matter. I could tell by the way she was dressed that she either wanted directions to a Wal-Mart, or a light for the cigarette tucked in her mouth.

You have nowhere to go when you’re at the pump.

She had on a white tank top that looked like it’s previous job was supporting the undercarriage of a Penske truck. Implausible as it was, there were 7 different bra straps all vying for attention, despite the fact that absolutely nothing was being supported. She was wearing biking shorts and a g-string, and the fact that I knew she was wearing a g-string should give you a pretty fair indication on how she was wearing the biking shorts.

I think it goes without saying that she was also wearing Crocs.

Sure enough, she asked me where Wal-Mart was, and her follow-up question was if I had a light.

I’ve found that the best way to back out of a conversation is to immediately throw up on yourself. That method may or may not have worked in this situation.